New ordinance prohibits ND coach Weis from tucking shirt into pants.

Scrambling for answers after an 0-4 start that included a complete dismantling at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame officials have turned their attention to coach Charlie Weis' alarming appearance.

"It's distracting," noted Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins. "Our boys are out there, playing their hearts out, but concentrating on the task at hand while looking at a giant FUPA on your coach cannot be easy."

Highly recruited after winning three Superbowls in a four-year period as the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, Weis was looked to as a savior for the ND football program, which struggled under Ty Willingham (pictured above with Weis). And while Weis' first two seasons were stellar, his latest efforts have been atrocious, and many believe it is his appearance that's to blame.

"I saw him in the showers once," remarked former Irish QB standout Brady Quinn, now with the Cleveland Browns. "Honestly, it made me regret coming back for my senior year. It was perverse."

"It's like a manatee in khakis," barked freshman QB Jimmy Claussen, his eyes quickly darting in the direction of Weis' office. "I mean, I know I'm just a freshman, and I'm not supposed to say nothing, but come on. I think we've all looked the other way long enough."



To put an end to Weis distracting appearance, the Notre Dame Athletic Board voted a unanimous 11-0 to put into effect an ordinance prohibiting the coach from tucking his shirt into his pants at any public appearance. While the plan fails to address the root of the problem--Weis' grotesque figure--supporters feel it was the most effective short-term solution.

Cuba Photoshops Head of Castro onto Picture of Ali G--Claims He is Healthy

The Cuban propoganda machine reached an all-time low Monday morning, publishing a doctored photo of long-time dictator Fidel Castro after all attempts at persuading the public that their leader was on the road to recovery had failed. Castro's health has been steadily declining over the past several years due to a battle with terminal cancer. And while the actions of those behind the stunt were no doubt made with the people's best interests in mind, their efforts may have been a bit misguided.

"It was not an easy decision," commented government PR official Eduardo Batista, "but one we thought would ultimately benefit the morale of the Cuban people. Clearly, we underestimated the popularity of this 'Ali G,' and made a grave mistake."

Shortly after the release of the photograph, thousands of Ali G fans, recoginizing the picture as an altered still from a previous show, alerted the media to the obvious misrepresentation of the quirky comedian. Needless to say, the reaction of the Cuban people, and die-hard Ali G fans, has not been positive.

The photo shows an apparently thin and fit Castro shaking hands with Angolan President Jose Eduardo dos Santos. It was lifted from a sketch in which Ali G briefly met with dos Santos and expressed repeated amazement at the fact that the president of the African nation was black.