"Hey America! Look at me!!!"

Now I'm not normally one to get into politics or issues in the news. My game is mostly taking pictures of people I see and then exploiting them online for my friends' (and my) personal amusement. But this really struck a chord with me. Ann Coulter, self-described "polemicist" (which, from her outfits and political commentary I'm gathering is a mashup of "racist" and "pole-dancer") recently appeared on "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" and dropped the bomb that she considers Christians to be "perfected Jews." Coulter (pictured above, simultaneously blasting Deutsch's religion and inviting him to view her vagina) continued to defend her comment without shame, citing fact as written in the New and Old Testament. I hesitated to even comment, as getting people's attention--and then cashing in--is clearly all this woman is about, but luckily,

I think her game is one that's quickly going out of style (along with the delicious leopard-print dress her doll is wearing, pictured right).

Donny Deutsch made a good point in a follow-up interview after his initial chat with her, in that he thinks America is quickly tiring of this particular trend in media coverage. The saturation of coverage that follows ridiculous comments and actions that are inflammatory for the sole sake of garnering public attention is quite simply wearing the public out. On one hand, I welcome the trend, as I know I personally would love to be able to escape the kind of media circus that seems to follow every off-color comment for weeks on end, until the dead horse is beaten beyond recognition. On the other hand, if people start shrugging off comments like Coulter's, which Deutsch almost seems to be advocating, then we create a dangerous situation in which high-profile people in the media are able to say whatever they want without public backlash.

Deutsch did make another good point though, and that was as soon as Coulter (pictured left behind a Tijuana burrito house moments after fellating the wait staff) walks away from her brand of "shock commentary", she's dead, apparently because she has nothing of real value to add. Again, another product of what can happen to a media that panders to the lowest common denominator.

Perhaps that's why Coulter (pictured below in the VIP lounge of a GOP dinner party after wiping a creamy load from her upper lip with her enormous man-hands that sit atop her disproportionately elongated Kevin McHale-like arms) dresses like a whore--adding yet another layer of superfluous value to what is otherwise a selfish, ignorant, irresponsible bitch who looks to exploit the media to fill her pockets--not that she could find a place for pockets on that outfit.

"Honey, put the cat in that box 'til he defrosts."

New ordinance prohibits ND coach Weis from tucking shirt into pants.

Scrambling for answers after an 0-4 start that included a complete dismantling at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame officials have turned their attention to coach Charlie Weis' alarming appearance.

"It's distracting," noted Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins. "Our boys are out there, playing their hearts out, but concentrating on the task at hand while looking at a giant FUPA on your coach cannot be easy."

Highly recruited after winning three Superbowls in a four-year period as the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, Weis was looked to as a savior for the ND football program, which struggled under Ty Willingham (pictured above with Weis). And while Weis' first two seasons were stellar, his latest efforts have been atrocious, and many believe it is his appearance that's to blame.

"I saw him in the showers once," remarked former Irish QB standout Brady Quinn, now with the Cleveland Browns. "Honestly, it made me regret coming back for my senior year. It was perverse."

"It's like a manatee in khakis," barked freshman QB Jimmy Claussen, his eyes quickly darting in the direction of Weis' office. "I mean, I know I'm just a freshman, and I'm not supposed to say nothing, but come on. I think we've all looked the other way long enough."



To put an end to Weis distracting appearance, the Notre Dame Athletic Board voted a unanimous 11-0 to put into effect an ordinance prohibiting the coach from tucking his shirt into his pants at any public appearance. While the plan fails to address the root of the problem--Weis' grotesque figure--supporters feel it was the most effective short-term solution.

Cuba Photoshops Head of Castro onto Picture of Ali G--Claims He is Healthy

The Cuban propoganda machine reached an all-time low Monday morning, publishing a doctored photo of long-time dictator Fidel Castro after all attempts at persuading the public that their leader was on the road to recovery had failed. Castro's health has been steadily declining over the past several years due to a battle with terminal cancer. And while the actions of those behind the stunt were no doubt made with the people's best interests in mind, their efforts may have been a bit misguided.

"It was not an easy decision," commented government PR official Eduardo Batista, "but one we thought would ultimately benefit the morale of the Cuban people. Clearly, we underestimated the popularity of this 'Ali G,' and made a grave mistake."

Shortly after the release of the photograph, thousands of Ali G fans, recoginizing the picture as an altered still from a previous show, alerted the media to the obvious misrepresentation of the quirky comedian. Needless to say, the reaction of the Cuban people, and die-hard Ali G fans, has not been positive.

The photo shows an apparently thin and fit Castro shaking hands with Angolan President Jose Eduardo dos Santos. It was lifted from a sketch in which Ali G briefly met with dos Santos and expressed repeated amazement at the fact that the president of the African nation was black.

Homeless guy needs $.99 to download new 50-Cent single from iTunes

Now, I'm not one to rip on the homeless. Wait, yes, I definitely am. Where does this guy get off? Clearly, the homeless are not the cream of the crop when it comes to intelligence. But if you're trying to portray that "hard up" look, don't you think that taking off the headphones from your MP3 player might be a good move? This sack of shit's shaking a cup of money at me, trying to get another hand out, and all I can think of is him going home and plugging his iPod into his laptop to get the latest 50 track.

Take a Good Look at Yourself, America

Yeah, it's a bleak picture for sure. But let's not sugarcoat it. Slovenly, lazy, and just downright ignorant and disrespectful - that's where we're headed. I found Dottie Dove Bar here on the Brown Line Monday night around 8:00 while on my way back from the gym (we clearly have different after-work agendas). With the current repair being done on all CTA lines, needless to say, the el car was packed. After a long day, we could all use a seat--but nothing was more deserving of a little time off their feet than a shoulder bag--at least according our husky friend. While the rest of us stood around (including a few elderly folks), she had no problem leaving her bag on the seat next to her while she chatted away on her cell phone. Notice she's even too lazy to hold the phone with her hand, but opted to tuck it into her hat to keep the effort level to a minimum. Way to conserve those calories, slim. Of course, I might opt for the easy way out too if my right arm weighed more than a Brady Bunch Thanksgiving turkey. And don't give me this "well, maybe she got teased a lot as a little kid and that's why she eats." Well, I got teased too. We all did. Develop a drinking problem like the rest of us.

I just can't understand people like this. While the glaucoma from her type-2 diabetes will eventually take her eyesight, at this current time, she can clearly see the mob of people standing around her. But nothing. No effort. No inkling of concern or consideration for anyone but herself. I've already vented plenty on the subject (see "The Lost Art of Being Considerate" below) but felt compelled to share this sack of shit with the rest of the world in hopes that it might make a small difference.

And then, after what I'm sure was a life-altering telephone conversation, she completed the Herculean task of lifting her arm, plucking her cell phone from her greasy hat, and placing it in her jacket. As one would assume, this effort really took it out of her. So she promptly pulled up her hood, leaned to the left, and feel asleep.



That's right, you sad sack of shit. Take a nap--you've earned it.

Las Tablas catering to "Hey dude, watch me take this dump" crowd

Can someone please explain to me why this place would need a chair in the bathroom, especially one that faces the toilet? Is their food that bad that whatever abdominal distress it causes its patrons is so appauling that its exit from the body is worthy of an audience? Wow. No thanks.

Cubs curse blamed on P.K. Wrigley's marriage to vampire.

P.K. Wrigley (left) with wife Helen, (right)

Out-of-Shape Politicians Sore After Repeatedly Sitting-Standing-Clapping.

Following President Bush's State of the Union Address Tuesday night, Wednesday morning played host to a bevy of aches and pains as Washington's political brass attempted to recover from a long night of sitting, standing, and clapping--repeatedly. Bush's plans for reform on subjects ranging from the federal deficit to the War on Terror brought about several ill-planned standing ovations from politicians across the nation, with little or no forethought for the aftereffects on their atrophied bodies.



The president's discussion of the war in Iraq and plans for military action overseas proved particularly damaging, as in-shape members of the audience in the armed forces jumped to their feet in applause following every comment. Politicians, who dared not be seen disrespecting those fighting for our nation by remaining in their seats, were compelled to stand and applaud as well--despite appearing noticeably worried that they might be "overdoing it."

"This is awful," remarked Sen. Debbie Sabenow (D-Michigan) while an equally disgusted masseur kneaded through the fatty folds on the back of her legs in an attempt to relieve her pain. "Handshaking, baby kissing, waving to crowds--we're well accustomed to that kind of physical activity. But this was truly uncalled for. I mean seriously--should we even be clapping at all for this guy?"


After putting those in attendance through a vigorous workout of squat thrusts and hand smacking throughout the evening, President Bush felt the need to conclude the address with a show of his own physical prowess, defying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to beat him in arm wrestling "two-handed, if ya like," and then making out with a Democratic lobbyist as he left Congress.

Coach Mack Brown Says Hurricane No Match for Texas

With Hurricane Rita closing in on the Texas coast and thousands of residents evacuating the area, University of Texas head coach Mack Brown made a bold and defiant statement Wednesday morning. Citing a total lack of balance and unpredictability, Brown slammed the imposing hurricane and went as far as saying it "stood absolutely no chance of keeping itself in the ball game."

"We're ranked #2 in the country for a reason," Brown continued, "and if these Hurricanes think they can just come in here and steamroll our boys, they've got another thing coming."

Analysts breaking down the match up aren't as convinced. The Hurricanes have fared well of late, ripping through the SEC with crushing victories over LSU, Auburn, Alabama and Florida. And while the Longhorn football program is certainly not to be toyed with, it seems unlikely that even Texas would be spared from the storm's wrath. "This is a dangerous situation," warned meteorologist Mike Tanurra. "I cannot stress enough the power and potential for devastation this Hurricane possesses. They should evacuate immediately. This is serious."

"You're damn right it is," countered coach Brown. "But we're not going nowhere. Did this weather fella catch the Ohio St. game? They were the #4 team in the country and we shut them out in the fourth quarter. We've got nothing to be afraid of."

Others aren't so sure. With the death toll in Louisiana escalating into the thousands and Rita being recently upgraded to a Level 5 Hurricane, those closest to the situation are calling Brown's defiance a suicide mission. LSU head coach Les Miles advised Brown to head north until the storm passes. "We're still recovering here," warned Miles. "The campus was destroyed, our stadium damaged and our students are still a little shell-shocked. He's making a big mistake."

"Who told you that, Miles?" responded coach Brown. "Well, what do you expect? They've only had one victory-and they just barely beat Arizona State. We're 3-0 and beat the Buckeyes. And I'll tell you something else. That Hurricane is all offense. When it gets one look at Vince Young, it's gonna be the one running away."

Landfall on the Texas coast is expected by Saturday. Whatever the outcome, this is sure to be an instant classic.

African tourism on decline for women

This is a real billboard found somewhere in Africa. I'm not even going to attempt to make a joke of this. If this painting portrays even 1/10th of a picture of what's actually going on over there, I'd be stamping a one-way ticket to hell for sure. Even though I'm pretty sure I've already got one of those...

Apple unveils new iForeign Policy for '08

On the heels of President Bush's wildly unpopular foreign policy, which CEO Steve Jobs referred to as "clunky and unintuitive," Apple unveiled plans on Monday to release its take on the global community, smartly named "iForeign Policy" for Q4 2008. iForeign Policy's major selling point is its ability to let each user develop their own sense of foreign policy, and then easily share it with the rest of the world.

"This is a revolutionary step in foreign policy," an excited Jobs boasted to an auditorium filled with Apple enthusiasts during today's iCast. "For the first time in history, citizens will be able to express themselves and their unique interpretations of foreign policy, and then broadcast their views to the rest of the world."

While previous versions of foreign policy relegated citizens to a reactionary role to their government, this program puts the power to the people, allowing a previously unheard of level of customization and self expression.

"Compatibility was a huge stumbling block for these unsuccessful attempts at dealing with the rest of the world," continued Jobs. "But now we're looking at something totally different, something that just makes sense and is easy to use--no matter who you are."



Jobs continued touting iForeign Policy's potential by illustrating its compatibility with other Apple products. "So much of foreign policy involves other people. Not only are users now free to create their own perspecitves on the world around them, they can easily create an album of their thoughts in iPhoto, or document their views in iMovie and publish it to iWeb. The possibilities are truly endless."

Apple share were up 7.87%, helping drive up the NASDAQ to a record high in January.

The Lost Art of Being Considerate

I live in America. More specifically, I live in Chicago in the 21st century, so to say that I am shocked by society's lack of consideration for each other on a daily basis would be untrue. In a world that is increasingly more self centered, its members seem less and less troubled about stepping on the spirit of those around them if for no other reason than to gain a better foothold on their own self importance. When it comes to careers, school, and other important institutions--while still deplorable--at least it serves an understandable if not widely accepted purpose.

But this isn't what bothers me. What gets me on a day-to-day basis is people's total lack of consideration for others when it comes to the little things. Take this derelict pictured above, for instance. In the middle of O'Hare, the world's busiest airport, this cornshucking hillbilly has absolutely no issue with removing his socks and shoes and placing his disgusting, fungus-ridden (and they were--click on the picture above if you think I'm kidding) feet on the seat across from him. Even the middle-management douchebag in his standard blue-button-down-shirt-and-black-slacks uniform seems somewhat appalled at this guy's behavior. A child may soon be placing his hands on that exact spot to hoist himself up on that chair, then sucking his thumb to quell his anticipation of a visit to Grandma's house in Orlando. Well guess what Timmy. Now you and Mommy will spend some quality time in Grandma's bathroom while she debates taking you to the hospital for your explosive diarrhea.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. I work at an office at a massive international company. My co-workers are among some of the brightest in the industry, crafting brands and award-winning campaigns for companies across the globe. Yet every time I walk past an open stall, I see that someone has left the seat down and pissed all over the top of it so the next guy can enjoy it when they sit down. I mean seriously--the message that they're sending is "I work with you. I may even go to lunch with you on occasion. We share a common vision of bettering the place in which we work and creating ingenious creative. I also feel comfortable relieving myself on the backs of your legs."

It takes two seconds to flip up the seat. Two seconds to put a napkin under your diseased feet if you must air them out in the airport terminal. Two seconds to spit your gum into a trash can instead of on the sidewalk where someone will step in it. But people just don't care anymore. They leave their dog shit on the street. They let their kids throw trash on the ground. They cut people off--all to save a handful of seconds. Yet they'll take the time to stop, dig through their pockets of hard-earned money, and give a homeless beggar money for doing nothing. Maybe it's to make themselves feel better about all the inconsiderate acts they've performed that day. Ironically enough, the bum will use that money to pony up the $2 el fare, find a nice open car, and proceed to take a dump in the aisle to ensure the commute home for the working world is a pleasant one. Thankfully, some other inconsiderate soul will be sure to have left their newspaper on the train so he has something to wipe his ass with.