Out-of-Shape Politicians Sore After Repeatedly Sitting-Standing-Clapping.

Following President Bush's State of the Union Address Tuesday night, Wednesday morning played host to a bevy of aches and pains as Washington's political brass attempted to recover from a long night of sitting, standing, and clapping--repeatedly. Bush's plans for reform on subjects ranging from the federal deficit to the War on Terror brought about several ill-planned standing ovations from politicians across the nation, with little or no forethought for the aftereffects on their atrophied bodies.



The president's discussion of the war in Iraq and plans for military action overseas proved particularly damaging, as in-shape members of the audience in the armed forces jumped to their feet in applause following every comment. Politicians, who dared not be seen disrespecting those fighting for our nation by remaining in their seats, were compelled to stand and applaud as well--despite appearing noticeably worried that they might be "overdoing it."

"This is awful," remarked Sen. Debbie Sabenow (D-Michigan) while an equally disgusted masseur kneaded through the fatty folds on the back of her legs in an attempt to relieve her pain. "Handshaking, baby kissing, waving to crowds--we're well accustomed to that kind of physical activity. But this was truly uncalled for. I mean seriously--should we even be clapping at all for this guy?"


After putting those in attendance through a vigorous workout of squat thrusts and hand smacking throughout the evening, President Bush felt the need to conclude the address with a show of his own physical prowess, defying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to beat him in arm wrestling "two-handed, if ya like," and then making out with a Democratic lobbyist as he left Congress.

Coach Mack Brown Says Hurricane No Match for Texas

With Hurricane Rita closing in on the Texas coast and thousands of residents evacuating the area, University of Texas head coach Mack Brown made a bold and defiant statement Wednesday morning. Citing a total lack of balance and unpredictability, Brown slammed the imposing hurricane and went as far as saying it "stood absolutely no chance of keeping itself in the ball game."

"We're ranked #2 in the country for a reason," Brown continued, "and if these Hurricanes think they can just come in here and steamroll our boys, they've got another thing coming."

Analysts breaking down the match up aren't as convinced. The Hurricanes have fared well of late, ripping through the SEC with crushing victories over LSU, Auburn, Alabama and Florida. And while the Longhorn football program is certainly not to be toyed with, it seems unlikely that even Texas would be spared from the storm's wrath. "This is a dangerous situation," warned meteorologist Mike Tanurra. "I cannot stress enough the power and potential for devastation this Hurricane possesses. They should evacuate immediately. This is serious."

"You're damn right it is," countered coach Brown. "But we're not going nowhere. Did this weather fella catch the Ohio St. game? They were the #4 team in the country and we shut them out in the fourth quarter. We've got nothing to be afraid of."

Others aren't so sure. With the death toll in Louisiana escalating into the thousands and Rita being recently upgraded to a Level 5 Hurricane, those closest to the situation are calling Brown's defiance a suicide mission. LSU head coach Les Miles advised Brown to head north until the storm passes. "We're still recovering here," warned Miles. "The campus was destroyed, our stadium damaged and our students are still a little shell-shocked. He's making a big mistake."

"Who told you that, Miles?" responded coach Brown. "Well, what do you expect? They've only had one victory-and they just barely beat Arizona State. We're 3-0 and beat the Buckeyes. And I'll tell you something else. That Hurricane is all offense. When it gets one look at Vince Young, it's gonna be the one running away."

Landfall on the Texas coast is expected by Saturday. Whatever the outcome, this is sure to be an instant classic.

African tourism on decline for women

This is a real billboard found somewhere in Africa. I'm not even going to attempt to make a joke of this. If this painting portrays even 1/10th of a picture of what's actually going on over there, I'd be stamping a one-way ticket to hell for sure. Even though I'm pretty sure I've already got one of those...

Apple unveils new iForeign Policy for '08

On the heels of President Bush's wildly unpopular foreign policy, which CEO Steve Jobs referred to as "clunky and unintuitive," Apple unveiled plans on Monday to release its take on the global community, smartly named "iForeign Policy" for Q4 2008. iForeign Policy's major selling point is its ability to let each user develop their own sense of foreign policy, and then easily share it with the rest of the world.

"This is a revolutionary step in foreign policy," an excited Jobs boasted to an auditorium filled with Apple enthusiasts during today's iCast. "For the first time in history, citizens will be able to express themselves and their unique interpretations of foreign policy, and then broadcast their views to the rest of the world."

While previous versions of foreign policy relegated citizens to a reactionary role to their government, this program puts the power to the people, allowing a previously unheard of level of customization and self expression.

"Compatibility was a huge stumbling block for these unsuccessful attempts at dealing with the rest of the world," continued Jobs. "But now we're looking at something totally different, something that just makes sense and is easy to use--no matter who you are."



Jobs continued touting iForeign Policy's potential by illustrating its compatibility with other Apple products. "So much of foreign policy involves other people. Not only are users now free to create their own perspecitves on the world around them, they can easily create an album of their thoughts in iPhoto, or document their views in iMovie and publish it to iWeb. The possibilities are truly endless."

Apple share were up 7.87%, helping drive up the NASDAQ to a record high in January.

The Lost Art of Being Considerate

I live in America. More specifically, I live in Chicago in the 21st century, so to say that I am shocked by society's lack of consideration for each other on a daily basis would be untrue. In a world that is increasingly more self centered, its members seem less and less troubled about stepping on the spirit of those around them if for no other reason than to gain a better foothold on their own self importance. When it comes to careers, school, and other important institutions--while still deplorable--at least it serves an understandable if not widely accepted purpose.

But this isn't what bothers me. What gets me on a day-to-day basis is people's total lack of consideration for others when it comes to the little things. Take this derelict pictured above, for instance. In the middle of O'Hare, the world's busiest airport, this cornshucking hillbilly has absolutely no issue with removing his socks and shoes and placing his disgusting, fungus-ridden (and they were--click on the picture above if you think I'm kidding) feet on the seat across from him. Even the middle-management douchebag in his standard blue-button-down-shirt-and-black-slacks uniform seems somewhat appalled at this guy's behavior. A child may soon be placing his hands on that exact spot to hoist himself up on that chair, then sucking his thumb to quell his anticipation of a visit to Grandma's house in Orlando. Well guess what Timmy. Now you and Mommy will spend some quality time in Grandma's bathroom while she debates taking you to the hospital for your explosive diarrhea.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. I work at an office at a massive international company. My co-workers are among some of the brightest in the industry, crafting brands and award-winning campaigns for companies across the globe. Yet every time I walk past an open stall, I see that someone has left the seat down and pissed all over the top of it so the next guy can enjoy it when they sit down. I mean seriously--the message that they're sending is "I work with you. I may even go to lunch with you on occasion. We share a common vision of bettering the place in which we work and creating ingenious creative. I also feel comfortable relieving myself on the backs of your legs."

It takes two seconds to flip up the seat. Two seconds to put a napkin under your diseased feet if you must air them out in the airport terminal. Two seconds to spit your gum into a trash can instead of on the sidewalk where someone will step in it. But people just don't care anymore. They leave their dog shit on the street. They let their kids throw trash on the ground. They cut people off--all to save a handful of seconds. Yet they'll take the time to stop, dig through their pockets of hard-earned money, and give a homeless beggar money for doing nothing. Maybe it's to make themselves feel better about all the inconsiderate acts they've performed that day. Ironically enough, the bum will use that money to pony up the $2 el fare, find a nice open car, and proceed to take a dump in the aisle to ensure the commute home for the working world is a pleasant one. Thankfully, some other inconsiderate soul will be sure to have left their newspaper on the train so he has something to wipe his ass with.