Congratulations...you are officially a dumbass.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this turd fondler, I'll provide a little background. In an attempt to create some sort of bizarre art project (ie, get famous for doing something radically and undeniably retarded) NYU assistant professor Wafaa Bilal had a camera with a USB port surgically attached to the back of his head so he could post pictures of his day, one every minute. Let me repeat this. He had a camera. With a USB port. SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO THE BACK OF HIS FUCKING HEAD.

In his own words, this project was an exercise in "capturing my past as it slips behind me from a non-confrontational point of view. It is anti-photography, decoded, and will capture images that are denoted rather than connoted, a technological-biological image. This will be accomplished by the complete removal of my hand and eye from the photographic process, circumventing the traditional conventions of traditional photography or a disruption in the photographic program."

After he got done jacking himself off with his "Webster's Emo Thesaurus," he may have done well to understand that when your project revolves around a camera that takes pictures, it is indeed photography, not "anti-photography." Anti-photography would be destroying pictures, or photographers, you fucking ass clown.

So, what are the fruits of our digital DaVinci's little art project? Well, I won't keep you in suspense. Check out the images I've included here from his website. My favorite is the one that's just black.

I mean, honestly, a completely black picture? That's worth drilling three holes in your head?? You want to share that with the world, send out a tweet telling everyone to close their eyes and save yourself from a surgeon taking a power tool to your skull.

When did it stop becoming enough to just paint a damn picture? It worked for Picasso. You want to be different and special? Fine. Dip your balls in some paint and drag your sack around the canvas for a couple hours, call it "Angry Undercarriage" and hang it in a museum for a while. I don't care what it looks like, the entertainment and laughter I'll get picturing some idiot "artist" all hunched over, dragging his painted plum bag around like a dog scratching his itchy O-ring on the family room carpet is enough to get me to pay admission.

You want to know the best part? This bag o' dicks had to have one of the screws removed because his body was rejecting it. Now his health and well-being is at stake. Here's my question: why the hell didn't he wear a head lamp backwards and replace the light with a camera? The effect would be identical.

You're right...my bad. That would have made him look stupid. And we certainly don't want that to happen, do we Wafaa?

Nation Mourns Death of Hollywood Lesbian Icon Corey Haim

Earning fame and heartthrob status at an early age for her ability to play the role of a wide range of colorful male leads, Corey Haim finally succumbed to her lifelong struggle against drug abuse Wednesday morning, after she was pronounced dead at 2:15AM at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, Los Angeles.



Emerging once again from Haim's shadow is long-time co-star Corey Feldman (pictured right, performing a detailed visual mammogram on former wife Susie Sprague's cleavage), who has already made a play to capitalize on his friend's untimely demise. According to Hollywood sources, Feldman has begun production on a straight-to-DVD movie chronicling Haim's final days called "License to Drive the Hurse," in which Feldman will lead a seemingly normal funeral procession only to come across an unlikely and comical turn of events that, while testing their friendship at times, ultimately brings them closer than ever.

Feldman describes the venture as a combination of "I Love You Man" and "Weekend at Bernie's" and hopes this surefire blockbuster will finally help the general public discern which Corey is Haim and which is Feldman. "Haim = Dead. Feldman = Alive. It doesn't get any easier than that," quipped Feldman...or Haim. Whichever one is still alive. And not a lesbian.

Let's quit half-assing it, America

Let me set the stage here for you before I get into it. There's a couple things you can't tell from the photo (and I'll take full responsibility for it, since this is admittedly a half-assed photo and I'm making a call-to-arms for full-fledged effort, but let's move on). This is actually a guy, probably about 20, decked out in a knee-length pink dress. Secondly, this guy has some disgustingly hairy legs poking out from underneath that dress. Some high-quality nastiness, let me tell you.

So here's the deal. You want to be a guy that dresses up like a woman? Fine. Be my guest. I'm not gonna stop you. But let's quit half-assing it, ok? I mean, this guy had (given, it was a shitty dress) taken the time to find the dress, get a matching shoulder bag (also not pictured) and gone as far as putting a pretty little pink bow in his hair. But the real show of effort would have been shaving your legs. That's the hard part. That's the part that says "I care." And he just said "fuck it." Well, I'm tired of "fuck it." Let's put some god damn effort into it people.

Just imagine how this kid's dad feels. Every Christmas he's gotta send out a holiday card to friends and family with a picture of everyone gleefully huddled around the tree--Dad, his glowing wife, loyal dog, and then there's Junior's nutsack poking out from underneath his reindeer skirt cuz he was too lazy to put some Santa panties on.

Well, here's a news flash for you, fancy boy. There are two things every dad wants of his son: 1) Be a man. 2) Whatever it is, give it 110%. Well, you've clearly stripped him of any chance of the first. So let's at least throw him a bone here and try to salvage some kind of relationship. Let's see some effort. Get some nair, tuck your fucking sack back and own it. If you're gonna be a bitch, be a bitch! Otherwise you're just another douche in a dress.

America--it's time to beat your kids.

OK, here's the deal. In the past, I could never see myself advocating something like this. Kids are generally pretty innocent, and the thought of physical violence against them really is an arguably offensive institution. But the times, they are a changin', my friends. I think this epiphany came into full fruition at O'Hare last Thursday while I waited at the gate to board my flight. As I sat people watching with the sounds of Jeopardy! blaring from the airport bar TV (dichotomy at its best, considering the slack-jawed inbreds huddled around the tappers) I saw this kid (pictured above) skateboarding through the terminal. Now, at the risk of sounding like an old man shaking his cane at "those damn kids and their newfangled inventions!' let me explain.

First of all, just look at this kid. He's got his hoodie pulled up over his head, with his sunglasses on, meaning at some point in time, he took them off for security, then put them back on inside the terminal because he's just that fucking cool. And it wasn't even a normal skateboard, it was a dickbag skateboard (pictured below).

Guess what, Mackenzie or Skylar or Kennedi or whatever the fuck your stupid-ass name is, no 8-year-old is that fucking cool. And some people would blame the parents. Fuck that. I guarantee you this fuckwad's mom did not tell him to pull his hoodie up, leave his sunglasses on inside, and go sashaying through the airport on his douchewagon. What's the solution, you ask? Violence. A good old-fashion beltwhipping. Buckle first. That's right, I said it. Beat some humility into that kid. And you know what kids are always asking for? To be treated like an adult. Well, you know what, Hamilton? From time to time adults get their asses kicked. Sometimes really badly. Sometimes so badly that they have to come up with inventive excuses to explain their bruises like "I fell down the stairs" or "I'm taking a boxing class" or "I'm a fucking ass clown who skates through O'Hare with my hoodie up and sunglasses on and someone came out of nowhere and exacted some well-deserved vigilante justice on my punk ass."

At any rate, after I took this butt-monkey's picture I stood up to go grab a sandwich before boarding my plane. Unfortunately, Starbucks was the only option. And as I'm waiting in line to grab my overpriced yuppie-wich, a mom and her two kids comes strolling up, and with her hand on son's back says (and I shit you not) "What do you want from Starbucks Trevor...oh, look, they have paninis, I know you love your paninis..." Here we go again...

"Hey America! Look at me!!!"

Now I'm not normally one to get into politics or issues in the news. My game is mostly taking pictures of people I see and then exploiting them online for my friends' (and my) personal amusement. But this really struck a chord with me. Ann Coulter, self-described "polemicist" (which, from her outfits and political commentary I'm gathering is a mashup of "racist" and "pole-dancer") recently appeared on "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" and dropped the bomb that she considers Christians to be "perfected Jews." Coulter (pictured above, simultaneously blasting Deutsch's religion and inviting him to view her vagina) continued to defend her comment without shame, citing fact as written in the New and Old Testament. I hesitated to even comment, as getting people's attention--and then cashing in--is clearly all this woman is about, but luckily,

I think her game is one that's quickly going out of style (along with the delicious leopard-print dress her doll is wearing, pictured right).

Donny Deutsch made a good point in a follow-up interview after his initial chat with her, in that he thinks America is quickly tiring of this particular trend in media coverage. The saturation of coverage that follows ridiculous comments and actions that are inflammatory for the sole sake of garnering public attention is quite simply wearing the public out. On one hand, I welcome the trend, as I know I personally would love to be able to escape the kind of media circus that seems to follow every off-color comment for weeks on end, until the dead horse is beaten beyond recognition. On the other hand, if people start shrugging off comments like Coulter's, which Deutsch almost seems to be advocating, then we create a dangerous situation in which high-profile people in the media are able to say whatever they want without public backlash.

Deutsch did make another good point though, and that was as soon as Coulter (pictured left behind a Tijuana burrito house moments after fellating the wait staff) walks away from her brand of "shock commentary", she's dead, apparently because she has nothing of real value to add. Again, another product of what can happen to a media that panders to the lowest common denominator.

Perhaps that's why Coulter (pictured below in the VIP lounge of a GOP dinner party after wiping a creamy load from her upper lip with her enormous man-hands that sit atop her disproportionately elongated Kevin McHale-like arms) dresses like a whore--adding yet another layer of superfluous value to what is otherwise a selfish, ignorant, irresponsible bitch who looks to exploit the media to fill her pockets--not that she could find a place for pockets on that outfit.

"Honey, put the cat in that box 'til he defrosts."

New ordinance prohibits ND coach Weis from tucking shirt into pants.

Scrambling for answers after an 0-4 start that included a complete dismantling at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame officials have turned their attention to coach Charlie Weis' alarming appearance.

"It's distracting," noted Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins. "Our boys are out there, playing their hearts out, but concentrating on the task at hand while looking at a giant FUPA on your coach cannot be easy."

Highly recruited after winning three Superbowls in a four-year period as the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, Weis was looked to as a savior for the ND football program, which struggled under Ty Willingham (pictured above with Weis). And while Weis' first two seasons were stellar, his latest efforts have been atrocious, and many believe it is his appearance that's to blame.

"I saw him in the showers once," remarked former Irish QB standout Brady Quinn, now with the Cleveland Browns. "Honestly, it made me regret coming back for my senior year. It was perverse."

"It's like a manatee in khakis," barked freshman QB Jimmy Claussen, his eyes quickly darting in the direction of Weis' office. "I mean, I know I'm just a freshman, and I'm not supposed to say nothing, but come on. I think we've all looked the other way long enough."



To put an end to Weis distracting appearance, the Notre Dame Athletic Board voted a unanimous 11-0 to put into effect an ordinance prohibiting the coach from tucking his shirt into his pants at any public appearance. While the plan fails to address the root of the problem--Weis' grotesque figure--supporters feel it was the most effective short-term solution.